Due to an increase in time off from work from either A) My excellent track record of optimizing my workload for maximum efficiency, or B) My excellent track record of finding ways to sham, I have decided to bless us all this holiday season by reenacting my favorite Christmas movies.

Since it's already the 21st, I'd like to try and squeeze a few in. This will be the Uncouth Days of Christmas, or Holiday Heresy.

For my first entry, I've chosen to go with A Christmas Story. We all knew it growing up and now get to watch it for 24 hours straight every Christmas season on TBS or some other such cable channel. Probably all such cable channels.

Look at that happy fella. Ralphie, if you only knew what we know, you wouldn't be

smiling like an idiot.

Since I couldn't reenact the infamous scene with the herd of next-door-neighbor Bumpus' dogs because  one of my coworkers killed the lonely, pathetic, starvingly cute lone stray on base the other day by carrying it directly to the dogcatchers (for shame, Jill), I'm forced to pick another scene. I can't recreate the scene where Flick sticks his tongue to the frozen pole, because while my coworkers are probably dumb enough to fall for it, our "teacher" would probably skin us alive. I think we can all agree that being skinned is no way to celebrate the holiday season.

So I was left with only one option. But I needed a prop...

Fortunately, the previous rotation left this beauty behind for me to scavenge from an unsuspecting desk drawer. I call her "Darla." The gun, not the desk drawer, stupid. Stay with me here, it's not that complicated.

So to celebrate a movie from my childhood, I would go outside and shoot icicles. It just snowed here, like pretty much all last week, and has been slowly melting for the last couple of days. This proved opportune for me.

I know Ralphie doesn't smoke in the movie. He does, however, smoke offsceen, and much like me he smoked Lucky Strikes that somehow grew filters during the overseas manufacturing process. IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

Don't shoot your eye out, kid.

What a shot-eye-out may look like in real life.

As you can see, everything worked out as planned, although without the Bumpus' dogs running amok (thanks again, Jill), or eating traditional Chinese Restaurant Christmas Dinner, or even getting to beat up a bully and his toady.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's installment of me ruining your favorite Christmas movies. Next up: How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Article Keywords: The Uncouth, Chris Erickson, A Christmas Story, Holiday Heresy, I'll be deployed for Christmas

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